Discordian December

Winter is fucking depressing. Everything's dead and cold. The days are shorter. Relatives have that charming habit of timing their deaths with their favorite holiday. (Just one more! I'm gonna make it!)

AND FOR THIS REASON EACH MAJOR RELIGION DEVISES A WINTER FESTIVAL.

Chanukah. Christmas. Bright lights and gooey candles. Tacky shit on your neighbor's lawn that'll stay there until April. Something warm and happy to distract you from the fact that half the homeless people in the area are dying miserable deaths (the other half having gradually migrated to West Palm, Florida.)

So what of the children of Eris? What of her mighty Apple Corps? What of her loosely-or- completely non-organized and routinely ill-defined Legion of Dynamic Discord? (Or LOCNRILODD, for those that enjoy senselessly cumbersome acronyms, or SCA's.) What bizarre event exists to comfort them?

The Church of the Squishy Jesus (formerly the Church of the Pin-Striped Buddha) offers the following guide to celebrating a Discordian Crimbo. Call it what you like, (we call it Erisius) and don't believe a word that you read.

CELEBRATING ERISIUS

1) WHEN

The Church of the Amorphous Velociraptor (formerly the Church of the Squishy Jesus) holds its Crimbo between the 24th and the 26th of December, but only in fifteen minute intervals once every hour. These intervals are held at the top of each hour in the morning, and at the bottom of the hour in the afternoon. Wishing one of us a "happy holidays" outside of these times is considered extremely insensitive and offensive. Please note that this pattern is reversed for those living below the equator.

Discordians should generally celebrate their holiday whenever they damn well please, although they'll get more attention (and probably presents) if they do so at the same time as someone else's. It's effectively the same as planning a really big party on the same day as a friend's birthday, where the Discordian is the really popular kid and your friend is terminally ill.

2) PRESENTS

Discordians should feel free to accept presents from anyone for anything. The Church of the Dyslexic Omnivore (formerly the Church of the Amorphous Velociraptor) encourages its followers to "lie as needed" to appease generous would-be gift givers. Let your Jewish friends believe you're Jewish; let your Christian friends believe you're Christian. Many Discordians already belong to one of these "auxilary" faiths for one reason or another. Go with it. Your friends and God may judge you, but Eris won't. At least not for that. She does question your haircut.

A Discordian should only GIVE gifts if they feel like it. Find an old friend you haven't seen in a long time -- preferably one you don't know very well. Spend a lot of money on them. Spend much less on your family and friends. In fact, consider stealing from them to finance your other gifts.

3) MEAL

The Erisius feast is highly ritualized, much like the Jewish passover. Every dish is symbolic and should be consumed thoughtfully. A meaningful passage should be read aloud. (The passage may be selected from any text. The Principia Discordia is an obvious choice, but Frank Herbert's "Dune" is also popular.) The following should be consumed:

An apple - to represent the goddess, Eris.

Club soda - in rememberance of tonic water, which goes better with gin.

Gin - which gets everyone pretty sloshed.

Tonic water - because the first drink was awful.

A fig leaf - to represent genitals.

Nectar - to associate with butterflies, to associate with chaos.

Pizza - because everyone is still hungry, and way too drunk to cook.

This meal should always be consumed slowly, because it provokes thoughtfulness and good digestion. Also, a Discordian must avoid eating quickly, lest he be tempted to join an eating competition and sinfully indulge in large amounts of hot dog buns. This can be difficult, as members of the Church of the Ghost of Hayden Christianson (formerly the Church of the Dyslexic Omnivore) cannot enjoy the feast for more than fifteen minutes at a time.

Remember, all food MUST be prepared and handled by NON-DISCORDIANS. This is because Discordians cannot be trusted to wash their hands after each use of the bathroom. (I personally flip a coin.)

4) SINGING

We don't recommend it. You may sing some Erisius carols if you wish, or the Battle Hymn of the Eristocracy if you're too lazy to find one. Just don't bother to go carolling at other people's houses. Wait for carolers to come to you. Then, stand in front of them and sing back. Have some friends ready and drown them out. Repeat as necessary down the street, but don't stay out long. It's cold outside.

5) STORE GREETERS

Go off on each and every one. Phrases like "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holidays" are flagrant attacks on Erisius. If someone has the gall to say such a thing within range of your hearing, you should immediately launch into a vindictive tirade against ethnocentrism and commercialism. Alternatively, you may reply "Happy Erisius" in a snotty voice. Alternatively, you may punch them in the throat.

If possible, get your shopping done first.

6) GREETING CARDS

The Church of Tomorrow's Leper (formerly the Church of the Ghost of Hayden Christianson) offers a wide selection of Erisius cards to send to loved ones. None of them are particularly relevant to the holiday, and all of them are pornographic in nature. If you would like a box, go to your local post office and ask to see "the merch." Someone will know what you're talking about.

7) DECORATIONS

If you are not creative enough to come up with your own decorations, you have no business being a Discordian. There, I said it. The Church of the Wayward Skittles (formerly the Church of Tomorrow's Leper) officially advises you to "go nuts with ribbons 'n shit." If you have the resources, consider a giant, inflatable golden apple on your lawn.

8) CHURCH

Discordians do not pray (because it is dangerous) and therefore get to avoid this boring practice. Instead, consult your pineal gland to find the goddess, and then just say "hi." No one ever does that anymore, and she really appreciates it.



That's it! Follow these guidelines and enjoy a happy Erisius. Or don't. It doesn't matter.
The goddess prevails! Maybe.

-Pope Zoopers the Classy
Church of the Belching Otter (formerly the Church of the Wayward Skittles)